Spare Key

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I’ve loved with all my heart without realizing that my all wasn’t really enough for him
And he left me, like a snap of a finger
It was so easy for him to let me go, without a single thought
As if what we built was a sandcastle near the shore just waiting for a wave to knock it down
And since then, I’ve locked my heart up and threw away the key
I threw the key away in the ocean of tears I cried when you left me
I knew the key made its way to the bottom and no one will dare get it
I know this won’t make me feel any better, it won’t make the burden lighter
But knowing this means that I don’t have to worry about getting hurt anymore
I don’t have to worry about falling asleep soundly
I don’t have to worry about how many times I think of lying to myself that I’m okay
I don’t have to worry about not wanting to see the sunshine every morning
Most of all, I don’t have to worry about being consumed by thoughts of you
One day I decided to break the sad trance you trapped me in
Left my room to get a cup of my favorite coffee
And then I remembered him again
How I was used to ordering for two
How we shared the same favorite flavor and changed my mind the last minute
Reminded myself that I needed to stop associating things with you
But he meant so much to me that I didn’t notice how he altered the scheme of how I saw things
Well, I didn’t notice until he left, I didn’t notice until that was all I was left to do
I know it’s time to try something new so I ordered a different cup of coffee
I took a sip and realized it’s not bad to try something new
And in that crowded room, the only place to sit was with you
I don’t know if it’s the coffee, or if this day was all about taking chances
But I directed my steps to your table, to you
Asked if the seat across from you was taken
And you told me, to go ahead and take it
There was an awkward silence until you struck conversation
Asked how my day was going
It was funny how we had a lot of things in common
But it was funnier how meeting with you at the coffeeshop became an everyday thing
The awkward silence slowly became a comfortable one
I wonder how strangers can be comfortable with each other in an instant
There’s really something in you and I don’t know what it is
It’s something that makes me want to know you more
And on that third Saturday after we met, you asked me if we could eat out
Apparently, we both loved Japanese
So we went, got lost in the moment
And only when you brought me home, did I realize that he didn’t even cross my mind today, not even once
I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time; something I thought I wasn’t capable of feeling
I was terrified, of feeling again
I felt my courage in taking chances, wavering
I was already okay with being by myself, not ready to risk that stability again
But you were persistent, never got tired of trying to break the walls I’ve been holding up
You never gave up even when I was being difficult
And I was falling, unexpectedly, but I was
And on that Sunday morning, you were standing at my doorstep
I opened the door, looked at you and realized
That I forgot to throw away the spare key to my locked up heart
And maybe the universe was playing its tricks on me
But goddamnit you were holding that spare key

 

(a collab)

Catastrophe

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This is where you will remember me, in rain, thunder and lightning.

This is where I hope to forget. This is where I wish the storm would take away all the hurt.

This is where I’ll leave you. This is where I hope the growl of thunder will wake you up to the reality that you lost me

Here.This is where I’ll finally allow the current to wash all traces of you from me. I’ll come clean, ready for a fresh start.

and when I start again, I promise, not even a single thought of you will make me quiver. You will mean nothing to me anymore.

I promise you, that once I decide to let go, there’s no looking back. You will be but a mere memory, a lesson learned.

I’ll close my doors from the past so you can’t come back. I swear you’ll regret this. You’ll regret not loving me enough.

I’ll give myself the love you didn’t allow me to have. I won’t regret this. I won’t regret choosing myself this time.

I will love myself like how I loved you because I deserve that kind of love. The kind of love that is pure and unconditional

And I guess, when we look at it now, this love we tried to make real, was a disaster waiting to happen all along.

Like karma, you will remember me in lightning. As it strikes you with what ifs and flashbacks from the past

As thunder rolls, slower than the speed of light, you will realize that you’re not getting me back. You finally lost me.

When it rains,the raindrops will remind you of the tears I shed countless times and you’ll realize how much this girl loved you
but by then I already survived the storm.

 

(a collab)

Marvels of a something

eka

Someone once told me that I was his home then he left. I wonder if he felt homeless since then.

Someone once told me that he’ll be waiting. I wonder how those words tasted to him.

Someone once told me that I was his number one. I wonder if he really knew how to count

Someone once called me his life. I wonder how many more breaths he took as he walked away.

Someone once called me his strength. I wonder how many battles he lost as he turned his back on me

Someone once told me he loved me. I wonder if he meant it.

I wonder if I am worth fighting for or worth loving. I wonder if I am even worth it.

I wonder if I am worth the risk, all the hassle. I wonder if you would have really jumped into that void just to get to me.

I wonder if you will also promise me the moon and stars. I wonder if you even see me worth promising wonderful things to

I wonder if you still believe in keeping promises. I’ve been so used to watching them get broken so easily.

I wonder if this time it will be different. I wonder if these promises will be fulfilled. I wonder if you’re different

I wonder if you’re like the ones I still keep wondering about. I hope not. I hope you ARE different. I hope to stop wondering.

 

(A collab)

 

 

Dear self

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You seem to have fought so many battles, though you are not physically scarred, but I can see you are emotionally damaged. You are braver than you believe you are. Your stories are not stories of defeat, rather, stories of survival. You survived those countless heartbreaks. You survived those “you are not enough for me”, “I don’t want you anymore” or even being cheated on and other shitty excuses he thought of. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Everybody does, but you of all people need this happiness the most. I am happy that you learned to live on your own. You got used to waking up every morning knowing that no one will be there to send you good morning messages or to make you blush. I know it is hard at first but then as time goes by it will be better. You will be better. You, brave soul, can conquer everything and anything. You are tough and lovable. Someday you will find someone to love and he will give you the love that you deserve. But for now: enjoy life. Enjoy your time alone and make the most out of it. Keep moving forward and stop looking back thinking of what ifs. Instead, think of what is, what is out there waiting for you.

I am not perfect

Do not call me perfect
for you do not see what’s inside me
You don’t know how hard it is to calm my demons
Do not call me perfect
for you do not know my insecurities
You don’t know why I stay up late at night
Do not call me perfect
for you do not know why I cry myself to sleep
You don’t know how hard it is for me to live
Do not call me perfect unless you get to know the real me, the things I’m scared to show and the thoughts that are almost killing me