This Heart..

There’s this heart and it is strong
This heart fought so many battles
It knows no fear
It gives its all
It was shattered to pieces countless times
But still comes back as whole everytime
It doesn’t matter how painful the reason was
It doesn’t matter if it still happens everytime
This heart can love you with no boundaries
It knows no limits
It can give you everything even if there’s no assurance of getting anything in return
You can hurt this heart and it can still forgive you
This heart always chooses to look at the good side
Never minding the bad sides of someone
And that’s what usually causes the pain
You can hurt it but it will still choose to remember the good things
You can hurt it and it will still choose to care for you;
To think of your safety
You can hurt it and it will still blame itself why
This heart loves everyone unconditionally
This heart manages to fix another’s heart even if it also needs fixing
This heart says it’s okay even if sometimes it feels like giving up
This heart knows someday someone will care
Someday someone will take the pain away
Someday someone will love her
But for now this heart is tired
And this heart,
It is mine, it is me.

Not About The Label

“What are we really?”
Few months after being together all the time
After being around each other
After those fun dates
Those late night phone calls
Those random trips
You popped him this question
“What are we really?”
You are tired of not being sure where things will go
You are tired of investing too much in someone unsure
You are tired of settling for something temporary again
He answered carefully trying his best not to hurt you
“I am not ready to commit yet”
Your heart ached so much hearing his answer
It’s as if you wasted so much time on him
“I don’t want to risk everything we have. What if we won’t end up together?”
And it hurt more
It feels like someone stabbed your heart countless times
It’s as if your heart shattered on the floor
You parted ways because you cannot accept his answer and that’s okay
It’s okay to leave someone who cannot commit to you
It’s okay to leave someone who cannot give you the love you deserve
Months passed by you were scrolling through your facebook feed
You saw his relationship status he committed to other girl
“That should be me”
“Am I not worth it?”
“Am I not pretty enough?”
“Were my efforts not enough?”
“Am I not worth the risk?”
“Am I not enough?”
Those are the thoughts that came into your mind
You see, nothing worth it comes easy
And you are worth it
Maybe he wasn’t ready for the struggle when you were together
Maybe that time, he wants everything to be easy
And both of you will just go with the flow
He wasn’t brave enough to take a risk
He wasn’t sure if he can handle your strong personality
He wasn’t sure if he can give back the love you are giving him
Whatever his reason was, don’t ever blame yourself
Everyone is worth committing to he just doesn’t want to commit to you
I know reality hurts but that’s the truth
It’s okay if you are still hurting but remember it is not your fault
People think that commitment is all about the label but in reality it is not
Commitment is about knowing that two people got each other til the end;
That you are exclusive to each other;
That you are willing to do everything for each other;
That you will not allow anyone to break your relationship
Commitment is assurance
Commitment is important
Don’t ever blame yourself if a person cannot commit to you
Don’t think that you are not enough
You are always enough
You are even more than enough
It’s just each individual has their own measurement of what is enough and what is not
Someday, you will meet someone who won’t make you doubt yourself even an inch if you are enough or not
You will meet someone who will value your worth
Someone who will conquer the struggles of love with you
Someone who will take those struggles as challenges that will make your relationship stronger and better
But for now, be your own happiness
Discover new things about yourself
Live your life
Collect stories and experiences so when the right one comes you will gladly tell him what lead you to him
And together you will journey through the path of love

I am a believer of “if it’s meant to be it will be”
I believe that love will always find its way back home
Love knows comfort and safety
Love knows familiarity and acceptance
Love knows where to find it
It just needs to wander to collect experiences
It wanders to grow
It wanders to make mistakes and learn from them
It wanders to meet new people and touch their lives
It wanders to collect stories to tell when it finds its way back
I am also an overthinker of ‘what-ifs’
What if I told you I was sorry for what I did?
What if we were both mature then?
What if it’s too late?
Those are just a few of the what-ifs I have in my mind
I know they will not be answered if I don’t take risks
I know love will continue to wander until I tell love I’m ready to go home
I know what-ifs will continue to haunt me until I find the courage to know the answers
But one thing is for sure, no matter how many what-ifs I have and my love may keep on wandering but love knows you are my home and someday it will find its way back to you

Catastrophe

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This is where you will remember me, in rain, thunder and lightning.

This is where I hope to forget. This is where I wish the storm would take away all the hurt.

This is where I’ll leave you. This is where I hope the growl of thunder will wake you up to the reality that you lost me

Here.This is where I’ll finally allow the current to wash all traces of you from me. I’ll come clean, ready for a fresh start.

and when I start again, I promise, not even a single thought of you will make me quiver. You will mean nothing to me anymore.

I promise you, that once I decide to let go, there’s no looking back. You will be but a mere memory, a lesson learned.

I’ll close my doors from the past so you can’t come back. I swear you’ll regret this. You’ll regret not loving me enough.

I’ll give myself the love you didn’t allow me to have. I won’t regret this. I won’t regret choosing myself this time.

I will love myself like how I loved you because I deserve that kind of love. The kind of love that is pure and unconditional

And I guess, when we look at it now, this love we tried to make real, was a disaster waiting to happen all along.

Like karma, you will remember me in lightning. As it strikes you with what ifs and flashbacks from the past

As thunder rolls, slower than the speed of light, you will realize that you’re not getting me back. You finally lost me.

When it rains,the raindrops will remind you of the tears I shed countless times and you’ll realize how much this girl loved you
but by then I already survived the storm.

 

(a collab)

Marvels of a something

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Someone once told me that I was his home then he left. I wonder if he felt homeless since then.

Someone once told me that he’ll be waiting. I wonder how those words tasted to him.

Someone once told me that I was his number one. I wonder if he really knew how to count

Someone once called me his life. I wonder how many more breaths he took as he walked away.

Someone once called me his strength. I wonder how many battles he lost as he turned his back on me

Someone once told me he loved me. I wonder if he meant it.

I wonder if I am worth fighting for or worth loving. I wonder if I am even worth it.

I wonder if I am worth the risk, all the hassle. I wonder if you would have really jumped into that void just to get to me.

I wonder if you will also promise me the moon and stars. I wonder if you even see me worth promising wonderful things to

I wonder if you still believe in keeping promises. I’ve been so used to watching them get broken so easily.

I wonder if this time it will be different. I wonder if these promises will be fulfilled. I wonder if you’re different

I wonder if you’re like the ones I still keep wondering about. I hope not. I hope you ARE different. I hope to stop wondering.

 

(A collab)

 

 

Dear self

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You seem to have fought so many battles, though you are not physically scarred, but I can see you are emotionally damaged. You are braver than you believe you are. Your stories are not stories of defeat, rather, stories of survival. You survived those countless heartbreaks. You survived those “you are not enough for me”, “I don’t want you anymore” or even being cheated on and other shitty excuses he thought of. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Everybody does, but you of all people need this happiness the most. I am happy that you learned to live on your own. You got used to waking up every morning knowing that no one will be there to send you good morning messages or to make you blush. I know it is hard at first but then as time goes by it will be better. You will be better. You, brave soul, can conquer everything and anything. You are tough and lovable. Someday you will find someone to love and he will give you the love that you deserve. But for now: enjoy life. Enjoy your time alone and make the most out of it. Keep moving forward and stop looking back thinking of what ifs. Instead, think of what is, what is out there waiting for you.

I am not perfect

Do not call me perfect
for you do not see what’s inside me
You don’t know how hard it is to calm my demons
Do not call me perfect
for you do not know my insecurities
You don’t know why I stay up late at night
Do not call me perfect
for you do not know why I cry myself to sleep
You don’t know how hard it is for me to live
Do not call me perfect unless you get to know the real me, the things I’m scared to show and the thoughts that are almost killing me