Not About The Label

“What are we really?”
Few months after being together all the time
After being around each other
After those fun dates
Those late night phone calls
Those random trips
You popped him this question
“What are we really?”
You are tired of not being sure where things will go
You are tired of investing too much in someone unsure
You are tired of settling for something temporary again
He answered carefully trying his best not to hurt you
“I am not ready to commit yet”
Your heart ached so much hearing his answer
It’s as if you wasted so much time on him
“I don’t want to risk everything we have. What if we won’t end up together?”
And it hurt more
It feels like someone stabbed your heart countless times
It’s as if your heart shattered on the floor
You parted ways because you cannot accept his answer and that’s okay
It’s okay to leave someone who cannot commit to you
It’s okay to leave someone who cannot give you the love you deserve
Months passed by you were scrolling through your facebook feed
You saw his relationship status he committed to other girl
“That should be me”
“Am I not worth it?”
“Am I not pretty enough?”
“Were my efforts not enough?”
“Am I not worth the risk?”
“Am I not enough?”
Those are the thoughts that came into your mind
You see, nothing worth it comes easy
And you are worth it
Maybe he wasn’t ready for the struggle when you were together
Maybe that time, he wants everything to be easy
And both of you will just go with the flow
He wasn’t brave enough to take a risk
He wasn’t sure if he can handle your strong personality
He wasn’t sure if he can give back the love you are giving him
Whatever his reason was, don’t ever blame yourself
Everyone is worth committing to he just doesn’t want to commit to you
I know reality hurts but that’s the truth
It’s okay if you are still hurting but remember it is not your fault
People think that commitment is all about the label but in reality it is not
Commitment is about knowing that two people got each other til the end;
That you are exclusive to each other;
That you are willing to do everything for each other;
That you will not allow anyone to break your relationship
Commitment is assurance
Commitment is important
Don’t ever blame yourself if a person cannot commit to you
Don’t think that you are not enough
You are always enough
You are even more than enough
It’s just each individual has their own measurement of what is enough and what is not
Someday, you will meet someone who won’t make you doubt yourself even an inch if you are enough or not
You will meet someone who will value your worth
Someone who will conquer the struggles of love with you
Someone who will take those struggles as challenges that will make your relationship stronger and better
But for now, be your own happiness
Discover new things about yourself
Live your life
Collect stories and experiences so when the right one comes you will gladly tell him what lead you to him
And together you will journey through the path of love

To My Future Special Someone

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This may sound more of a warning instead of a reminder
I am telling you that I’m not easy to love
There are nights I cry myself to sleep
There are nights I stare blankly at the ceiling
There are nights I let my thoughts consume me
There are nights I drown in my feelings
Despite of those things
I promise you my mornings
I promise to be your sunshine
I promise you wonderful daylight hours
I’ll smother you with morning kisses without being hesitant because of morning breaths
That’s how comfortable I will be with you
I will cook your favorite breakfast with love
I will cuddle with you everyday
If you come home exhausted I will be by your side listening to you talk about how your day went
I just hope you won’t get tired of me
I hope you’ll understand my struggles
I just want assurance that you will be by my side no matter what
I don’t want something temporary
I don’t want something easy
I will accept you for who you are
I will be your second supporter next to God
If you fear commitment I will help you understand why you shouldn’t
I will make sure that choosing us will be the best decision you will make
I won’t pressure you
I won’t expect from you
I want us to go with the flow; to seize every moment we have together
I will try my best to give the love you deserve
Because even if I don’t know you yet, I know you are worth it
I know you are worth the wait
I know you are my answered prayer
I know the journey will not be easy
I know the road will be rough
But we both know that nothing worth it comes easy
I am ready for the ride
I can’t wait to meet you
I am ready for you

 

With so much love,
Your future special someone

Sugal

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Kaya mo bang tawirin ang mundo kong madilim
Hindi biro ang landas na iyong tatahakin
Samu’t saring unos ang pwede mong maengkwentro
Kaya mo bang sa gabi’y patahimikin ang aking isip
Sanhi ito ng aking hindi pagtulog
Iba’t ibang alaala ang kumakatok
Tulungan mo sanang kahit ako’y maka idlip
Kaya mo bang damdamin ko’y muling buhayin
Matagal na itong namahinga
Tila ba nawalan na ng gana
Kaya mo bang panindigan ang iyong mga pangako
Ang mga pader ko’y pinatibay na kasi ng mga pako
mula sa mga taong walang ginawa kundi sirain ang kanilang pangako
Mas mataas na ito kaysa sa dati
Ang loob ay walang ibang kulay kundi itim at puti
Kaya mo bang bigyang kulay itong muli
Nais ko lang sanang ika’y mag-ingat kung mapagpasyahan mo itong tahakin
Maaari kang mahirapan
Maaaring wala kang mapala
Maaaring hindi mo kayanin
Wag mo sabihing hindi kita binigyan ng babala
Sa una pa lamang ikaw ay agad nang inalala
Sa madilim na mundo at mataas na pader kong ito
Nais ko lamang ng kapiling sa tuwing ang isipan ko’y walang tigil sa pag alala ng nakaraan
Nais ko lamang ng kasama sa malulungkot kong gabi, isang taong hindi aalis sa aking tabi
At kung kayanin mo man na makapasok sa aking mundo
Ang hiling ko lang ay tulungan mo akong mabuo ang aking sarili habang ito’y tinatahak ko kasama ka
Alam kong ‘di madali ang desisyong pinili pero ito ako pinipili pa rin ang tayo
Hindi man sigurado kung mayroon ngang tayo
Hindi man sigurado kung anong inihanda sa atin ng mundo
Hindi man sigurado kung handa na nga bang sumubok ng bago
Ngunit pinapangako ko,
Handa akong sumugal
Ikaw ba, handa kang manatili hanggang dulo?

 

( a collab )

My Lonely

Let me introduce you to my lonely
Hey this is my lonely
It chooses no time nor place
It chooses no memories nor pain
It doesn’t matter if it’s 2am or not
Sometimes my lonely visits me even when the sun is still brightly shining
It turns days to nights
It never fails to make me feel gloomy
Hey this is my lonely
It knocks on my door but I refuse let it in
However, it seems to have a key
It will slowly open the door to my mind and will slide into my thoughts
It won’t let me sleep no matter how many sleeping pills I take
No matter how many sheep I try to count
Hey this is my lonely
It never fails to keep me awake and feel worse about myself
It always reminds me of the things I can’t do, of the things I’m scared to do
It’s as if it whispers to me “you are not capable of doing that” or “you are a coward”
Hey this my lonely
Everyday when it visits me I cry myself to sleep
When it visits me I don’t know what to feel
Sometimes it also makes me not want to feel things anymore
Hey this is my lonely
It refrains me from speaking to others and telling them about it
It speaks at the back of my mind saying “when they ask you if you are okay, tell them you are”
It is selfish for not letting me tell others how I really feel
Hey this is my lonely
It’s like a thief stealing all the happiness I have
All the joy I left for myself, all the confidence I took years to earn, all the love I gave myself
It leaves nothing but traces of coming back
Of taking what’s still left of me
Hey this is my lonely
It keeps me company but not a good one
It makes me feel that it is a friend but in reality it’s a foe
It fights with my happy and always ends up triumphant
This lonely is a battle I always lose
A battle I never win even when I try
Hey this my lonely
I’m tired
Please take it away from me

I am a believer of “if it’s meant to be it will be”
I believe that love will always find its way back home
Love knows comfort and safety
Love knows familiarity and acceptance
Love knows where to find it
It just needs to wander to collect experiences
It wanders to grow
It wanders to make mistakes and learn from them
It wanders to meet new people and touch their lives
It wanders to collect stories to tell when it finds its way back
I am also an overthinker of ‘what-ifs’
What if I told you I was sorry for what I did?
What if we were both mature then?
What if it’s too late?
Those are just a few of the what-ifs I have in my mind
I know they will not be answered if I don’t take risks
I know love will continue to wander until I tell love I’m ready to go home
I know what-ifs will continue to haunt me until I find the courage to know the answers
But one thing is for sure, no matter how many what-ifs I have and my love may keep on wandering but love knows you are my home and someday it will find its way back to you

TOTGA

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Umaasa ka na naman
Umaasa ka na naman na babalik siya
Na sa pagkahol ng mga aso ay agad agad kang lumabas upang tignan kung siya ang dahilan nito
Na sa pagtunog ng mga kungkong na nakasabit malapit sa pintuan ay ang siya niyang pagpasok
Na sa aksidenteng pagkalaglag ng tinidor ay ang siya niyang pag bisita sa iyo
Umaasa ka na naman
Umaasa ka na naman na naaalala ka niya
Na noong nakagat mo ang iyong dila ay agad-agad kang humingi ng numero at ang katumbas na letra ay unang letra ng pangalan niya
Na noong ika’y nasamid iniiisip mong iniisip ka rin niya
Pati ba naman ang pagiging walang ingat mo sinisisi mo sa kanya
Pati ba naman sa mga simpleng bagay tanga ka
Umaasa ka na naman
Paulit ulit mong binibisita ang kanyang facebook upang tignan kung ayos lang siya
Tinitignan mo nga ba kung ayos lang siya o kung meron na siyang iba?
Ilang beses mo na nga ba pinindot ang kanyang pangalan sa messenger?
Ilang beses ka nang nagtype ng mensahe pagkatapos ay binura mo at pagkatapos nagtype ka hanggang sa binura mo na naman
Kailan ba mawawala ang mga daga sa tiyan mo? Kelan ba lalakas ang loob mo?
Balikan mo ang mga alaala niyo
Balikan mo kung paano ka niya pinahalagahan noong akala mong hindi ka mahalaga
Balikan mo kung paano ka niya pinasaya noong mga panahong halos maubos na ang iyong mga luha
Balikan mo kung paano niya pinaramdam sayo na mahal ka niya pagkatapos kang lokohin ng iba
Balikan mo kung paano ka niya isinalba sa relasyong para kang basura
Balikan mo kung paano ka naging masaya sa piling niya, kung paano mo siya minahal at napasaya
Huwag kang matakot balikan ito pati na rin ang masasakit
Naalala mo ba noong napagod ka?
Naalala mo ba noong naramdaman mong may kulang?
Higit sa lahat, naalala mo ba noong iniwan mo siya?
Napakatanga mo
Oh ngayon nagsisisi ka?
Nagsisi ka na hindi mo pinahalagahan yung ka isa-isang tao na nakakita ng halaga mo
Nagsisi ka na mas pinili mong magmahal ng iba kaysa sabihin sakanya kung ano ang kulang
Teka teka palitan natin, nagsisi ka na hindi ka nakuntento sa kung anong kaya niyang ibigay sayo
Ngayon nasaktan ka sa pinili mo, napagod ka at mag-isa ka na
Napagtanto mo na sa hinaba haba ng panahong lumipas siya pala talaga ang gusto mo
Napagtanto mo na ikaw talaga ang mali at hindi ka karapat dapat sa pagmamahal niya noon
Sabi nga nila bawat tao ay mayroong tinatawag na “the one that got away”
Walang kaduda duda na siya na nga ang totga mo
Ngayon gusto mong humingi ng tawad sa kanya at sabihin ang iyong nararamdaman ngunit natatakot ka
Natatakot ka na hindi kayo pareho ng nararamdaman
Na hindi niya naman lubos na iniisip ang nakaraan niyo gaya ng pag-isip mo dito
Takot kang malaman na hindi niyo na pwedeng ibalik ang dati dahil hindi ka na niya kayang mahalin ulit
Ngayong handa ka na, takot kang ayaw na niya
Wag kang matakot
Wala kang dapat ikatakot, sa dami ng nagpadaanan mo matapang ka na
Kaya mong harapin ang bukas nang mag-isa
Hindi nyo man maibalik ang dati, ang mahalaga humingi ka ng tawad
Ang mahalaga ay nabawasan ang mga tanong sa iyong isipan
Ngunit isipin mo, paano kung naghihintayan lang pala talaga kayo?
Hindi pa huli ang lahat, kausapin mo siya.

 

Spare Key

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I’ve loved with all my heart without realizing that my all wasn’t really enough for him
And he left me, like a snap of a finger
It was so easy for him to let me go, without a single thought
As if what we built was a sandcastle near the shore just waiting for a wave to knock it down
And since then, I’ve locked my heart up and threw away the key
I threw the key away in the ocean of tears I cried when you left me
I knew the key made its way to the bottom and no one will dare get it
I know this won’t make me feel any better, it won’t make the burden lighter
But knowing this means that I don’t have to worry about getting hurt anymore
I don’t have to worry about falling asleep soundly
I don’t have to worry about how many times I think of lying to myself that I’m okay
I don’t have to worry about not wanting to see the sunshine every morning
Most of all, I don’t have to worry about being consumed by thoughts of you
One day I decided to break the sad trance you trapped me in
Left my room to get a cup of my favorite coffee
And then I remembered him again
How I was used to ordering for two
How we shared the same favorite flavor and changed my mind the last minute
Reminded myself that I needed to stop associating things with you
But he meant so much to me that I didn’t notice how he altered the scheme of how I saw things
Well, I didn’t notice until he left, I didn’t notice until that was all I was left to do
I know it’s time to try something new so I ordered a different cup of coffee
I took a sip and realized it’s not bad to try something new
And in that crowded room, the only place to sit was with you
I don’t know if it’s the coffee, or if this day was all about taking chances
But I directed my steps to your table, to you
Asked if the seat across from you was taken
And you told me, to go ahead and take it
There was an awkward silence until you struck conversation
Asked how my day was going
It was funny how we had a lot of things in common
But it was funnier how meeting with you at the coffeeshop became an everyday thing
The awkward silence slowly became a comfortable one
I wonder how strangers can be comfortable with each other in an instant
There’s really something in you and I don’t know what it is
It’s something that makes me want to know you more
And on that third Saturday after we met, you asked me if we could eat out
Apparently, we both loved Japanese
So we went, got lost in the moment
And only when you brought me home, did I realize that he didn’t even cross my mind today, not even once
I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time; something I thought I wasn’t capable of feeling
I was terrified, of feeling again
I felt my courage in taking chances, wavering
I was already okay with being by myself, not ready to risk that stability again
But you were persistent, never got tired of trying to break the walls I’ve been holding up
You never gave up even when I was being difficult
And I was falling, unexpectedly, but I was
And on that Sunday morning, you were standing at my doorstep
I opened the door, looked at you and realized
That I forgot to throw away the spare key to my locked up heart
And maybe the universe was playing its tricks on me
But goddamnit you were holding that spare key

 

(a collab)