Spare Key


I’ve loved with all my heart without realizing that my all wasn’t really enough for him
And he left me, like a snap of a finger
It was so easy for him to let me go, without a single thought
As if what we built was a sandcastle near the shore just waiting for a wave to knock it down
And since then, I’ve locked my heart up and threw away the key
I threw the key away in the ocean of tears I cried when you left me
I knew the key made its way to the bottom and no one will dare get it
I know this won’t make me feel any better, it won’t make the burden lighter
But knowing this means that I don’t have to worry about getting hurt anymore
I don’t have to worry about falling asleep soundly
I don’t have to worry about how many times I think of lying to myself that I’m okay
I don’t have to worry about not wanting to see the sunshine every morning
Most of all, I don’t have to worry about being consumed by thoughts of you
One day I decided to break the sad trance you trapped me in
Left my room to get a cup of my favorite coffee
And then I remembered him again
How I was used to ordering for two
How we shared the same favorite flavor and changed my mind the last minute
Reminded myself that I needed to stop associating things with you
But he meant so much to me that I didn’t notice how he altered the scheme of how I saw things
Well, I didn’t notice until he left, I didn’t notice until that was all I was left to do
I know it’s time to try something new so I ordered a different cup of coffee
I took a sip and realized it’s not bad to try something new
And in that crowded room, the only place to sit was with you
I don’t know if it’s the coffee, or if this day was all about taking chances
But I directed my steps to your table, to you
Asked if the seat across from you was taken
And you told me, to go ahead and take it
There was an awkward silence until you struck conversation
Asked how my day was going
It was funny how we had a lot of things in common
But it was funnier how meeting with you at the coffeeshop became an everyday thing
The awkward silence slowly became a comfortable one
I wonder how strangers can be comfortable with each other in an instant
There’s really something in you and I don’t know what it is
It’s something that makes me want to know you more
And on that third Saturday after we met, you asked me if we could eat out
Apparently, we both loved Japanese
So we went, got lost in the moment
And only when you brought me home, did I realize that he didn’t even cross my mind today, not even once
I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time; something I thought I wasn’t capable of feeling
I was terrified, of feeling again
I felt my courage in taking chances, wavering
I was already okay with being by myself, not ready to risk that stability again
But you were persistent, never got tired of trying to break the walls I’ve been holding up
You never gave up even when I was being difficult
And I was falling, unexpectedly, but I was
And on that Sunday morning, you were standing at my doorstep
I opened the door, looked at you and realized
That I forgot to throw away the spare key to my locked up heart
And maybe the universe was playing its tricks on me
But goddamnit you were holding that spare key


(a collab)